I’m re-posting this from my previous site because it is still a pile of smoking rubble and I want to have access to this because I miss my damn friend and because I require toffee to maintain my essence. If the volcano gods are listening(my kid said that they live there and he knows they’re real because he saw it on Ice Age and who are you to argue with Ray Romano, what range that guy has.)then please send her a ticket to ride on over to Ptown and split a batch with me postmotherfuckinghaste. Please and thank you, ugga buggs and amen.
Today I’m grateful for sweet treats and the hot little blond number that cooks for me when she can and inspires me to do it for myself when she can’t. I met this fast-talking, effervescent, creative-thinker back when she had only one kid and we could spend evenings eating her delish homemade pizza, talking about all the things that girls talk about late into the night. At last count she had worked her way up to FIVE kids, including a set of twin 3 year old boys. Wow and za.
She’s kinda busy these days just, you knowing, taking care of five kids, working on her second degree in nursing and teaching college math. Like a PROFESSOR, BITCHES. And just casually whipping up the most mouth-watering culinary delights you could ever hope to stuff down your greedy gullet. Like, every day. Sometimes twice a day. And then she’ll make some ridonkydonk dessert after she puts her FIVE kids to bed. Y’all. It’s a good thing she doesn’t live in Portland(although homegirl should be living in Portland) because I would soon be diagnosed with Type II diabetes, onset Crystal.
Food is one thing that she brings to the table(har), but what I love the very most about her is that we can share all the ushe stuff, all the happy and mundane and also(almost) every deep, dark or downright dirty thought or feeling we have. It’s pretty freeing. And it’s so greatly appreciated. I don’t make friends lightly. I’m an introvert and a Scorpio and we’re judgy little assholes as well as being jealous and solitary. Attractive qualities in a potential friend, fo sho. But somehow bubbly, friend-magnet her and curmudgeonly, get-off-my-lawn me fit together like two peas in a pod with a fully stocked kitchen and a fuck ton of kids. I love the girl. She rocks my socks.
This is the first recipe I stole from her and I’ve been taking credit for their awesomeness ever since. Although I suppose Martha gets the OG credit. That Martha, bitches being ubiquitous and shit.
Anyway, these bars are tastycakes, easy peasy and calorie free! OK, maybe not the last one, but I heard calories don’t count on birthdays and it’s always somebody’s birthday, right? Logic. I’ve been wanting to write about these forevs so I could pin them because Pinterest has become the holder of my recipes. Don’t ever leave me, Pinterest. Please. I didn’t have any pictures of the bars that I could find and, since Pinterest requires a pinnable photo, I had to whip up a batch. Such an inconvenience. But we’re in luck because Hank Aaron, Darren Criss, Laura Linney, Diego Serrano(TOMAS) and Bobby Brown all celebrate birthdays today. Happy birthday and thanks for the calorie pardon.
1/2 cup butter — melted
1 cup packed light brown sugar
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup toffee bits
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line the bottom and sides of an 8 inch square baking pan with aluminum foil, with a bit of overhang on two sides. Set aside.
- In a mixing bowl, cream the butter and sugar until smooth. beat in eggs, vanilla, and salt. With mixer on low speed, add flour and beat until combined. Stir in toffee bits by hand.
- Spread batter in prepared pan. Bake until cake is golden and a toothpick comes out clean, 30 to 35 minutes. Remove from oven; cool completely in pan.
- Grasping foil, lift cake from pan. Peel off foil. Using a serrated knife, cut into 16 squares. Store blondies in an airtight container at room temperature up to five days.
“Everyday Food Issue #6”