The Old Gray Mare

Blogging ain’t what it used to be.  Even way back in aught nine when I started, it was too late for what I wanted it to be.  I’m typically an early adopter, but that’s slipping away from me as I grow older and more calcified and as the form of entertainment and culture continues to morph and transform like a jelly blob in a lava lamp.

I was lucky enough to find a tribe for a while and then winnow it down to a few awesome peeps that I can manage to stay mostly in contact with.  Those early days of the tribe were such a high.  Emails stacked up in my inbox.  Everyone had an opinion, a word of encouragement, a joke.  Someone was up and available at any hour, day or night.  It was exactly what I had been looking for when I started my blog – a community.

Everyone who volunteered there wanted to make the world a better place, wanted to help people share their most painful experiences to exorcise those demons and let them go and to point bright, shiny lights in those deep, dark corners that we avoid and ignore.  I felt deeply, as a therapist and a general life survivor, that this was an important service and something that I could feel good about supporting and contributing to.   A lot of us felt that way.

Until, as the number of volunteers began to skyrocket, the thing became muddled and complicated.  We may not need a hundred plus volunteers, but we have them.  Find a place for them, a thing for them to do.  So we all did things.  They appeared to be important and relevant and then, they didn’t.  Somewhere along the way it turned into a frenzy of work that seemed directionless, a platform from which to parlay a career of some sort, a cult. Volunteers quietly slipped away at a consistent, then rapid, pace.

The internet can be many things, but one thing that most of us have at least daydreamed about is making a living from it.  My name is Sally McNally and I make the most fantastic perfume for emus in all the lands.  Let me share my gift with the world for a modest price.  And then every single emu-loving weirdo comes out of the woodwork and makes Sally a bundle for doing what she loves.  Yay internets!

But this wasn’t that.  This didn’t require big numbers or board members or eight zillion resources pages on every topic relating to life’s shittiest tragedies.  This was a thing that should have stayed a small and dependable thing, where people who were holding on to bad stuff could pop the zit and let the ick go.  It should have been like the hallowed halls of AA, point you in the direction, give you some guidelines, give you a high five and a fist bump and leave the rest up to you.

But it wasn’t.  There was resistance to differing opinions, attribution issues, uncredited work, manipulation and pressure to provide submissions.  All that and an unstable, magnetically manipulative, cultish leader and I’m out.  It was sad and hard and lonely to say goodbye to the friendly chatter that helped fill my isolated, stay at home mom blues.  But I quickly realized that many of those peeps were still around in various ways.  One became a homie for life, someone who makes my life, and the world, a better place to lay around and inhale peanut butter M&M’s in.  Others are people that I love and admire and communicate in various ways, mostly around the Nets of Inter, occasionally in the 3 dimensional world.

The point of this post was meant to be, blogging ain’t what it used to be.  Why in my day, we had to walk five miles through the pouring rain and a lightning storm to get to the wifis.  All virtual,  obvs.

I just miss it.  I miss writing words that became a conversation between something other than the left and right hemispheres of my brain.  I miss commenting on blogs where back and forth could be expected.  Blogs now all have things that pop up at you to get you to sign up for other things and make scrolling down to the content not worth it to the gogo generation.  Or to me.

I still have things I want to say, but now I’m mostly back to saying to myself inside my head.  Which is not the greatest, when applied too often.  Maybe i’ll write more again, maybe not.  However things shake out, I miss it and you.

joules

I’m a 44 something Scorpio who does not at all enjoy getting caught in the rain. I’m a mom to one whirling dervish, a former child and family therapist and reformed social worker. I have fought the monsters called Depression and Addiction for a lifetime. I want to be a part of the kindness movement. I want to be honest and real, sharing my struggles and successes on my path with others navigating their own. I want to lift up other women and be uplifted by them. I want to honor the bits between right and wrong, black and white – the grays, the ish. The place where life is actually lived.

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joules

65 Posts | Member since 2012-08-17
I’m a 44 something Scorpio who does not at all enjoy getting caught in the rain. I’m a mom to one whirling dervish, a former child and family therapist and reformed social worker. I have fought the monsters called Depression and Addiction for a lifetime. I want to be a part of the kindness movement. I want to be honest and real, sharing my struggles and successes on my path with others navigating their own. I want to lift up other women and be uplifted by them. I want to honor the bits between right and wrong, black and white – the grays, the ish. The place where life is actually lived.

  13 comments for “The Old Gray Mare

  1. August 26, 2015 at 6:17 pm

    I miss you. And yeah, I feel your words, so much. There’s a hurt there that I’ve debated writing about…but…yeah.
    And anywho, like you said, I met some glorious peeps out of it all. You. Shevaun. Cindy. Tracie. Dawnie. Teala. Natalie. Cathi. Misty <3
    All of you, sisters of my heart. Framily. People who read my words and call me on the phone. Or agree to be my maid of honor. Or meet up for awesome brunch or donuts and a record show. Whatevs. (P.S. Did you see how adorable Shevaun looked in her dress and top hat??)
    I love you lady. If you have words, I'm here to read them. If you wanna call or text, you know this phone is glued to me. And if you wanna come build a pillow fort and binge watch Girl Meets World or Supernatural with me, well shit son, that's all you had to say!
    Be good to you Joules <3
    Tia Maria recently posted…My Memories Sound Like…My Profile

    • August 27, 2015 at 12:55 pm

      The absolute best peeps.
      And Shev looked amazing. A steam punk bombshell. You all looked glorious. Love you.

  2. August 26, 2015 at 7:35 pm

    I love you.

    I love that you put into words what I’ve wanted to write for months.

    I am now having all the feelings.

    • August 27, 2015 at 12:53 pm

      That nostalgia is a killer. It helps to have the gang here to feel the feels with. xoxo

  3. August 26, 2015 at 8:42 pm

    girl. i think you just need to blog. pop that zit and let it go. no need to worry whether the tribe is there or not because if it’s not there, a new one will come. no reason to keep things in your head – then you’ll be one of those crazy ladies that walk around the old neighborhood in brooklyn talking to themselves loudly on the street so everyone on the 3rd floor can hear. just blog hon. we all love ya.

    • August 27, 2015 at 12:49 pm

      Oh, I am that lady. I just do it in my house instead of the neighborhood. But yeah, out on the page. xoxo

  4. August 27, 2015 at 12:09 am

    I wanted to comment many hours ago, but I was on the bus and you know how that goes.

    I have a post in my drafts that reads very similar to this, but with a bit more vitriol. No, really.

    You still have a community. We’re just real now.

    xx
    Lisa recently posted…Village-lessMy Profile

    • August 27, 2015 at 12:52 pm

      Not an instant hit off the crack pipe like before, but a good solid roll on a couple of tabs of brown speck X. I’ll take real ftw.

  5. September 2, 2015 at 3:20 am

    Well boo. I don’t know the specifics, but I bet I have a pretty good idea of how all that went down. I’m sorry. I considered warning you when you started talking about that scene, but you were already so invested and excited. So I just shut up and hoped. If you want to talk about it…

    Anyway. On an upbeat note. YOUR site looks awesome! And you look lovely. And your words still make me smile. And I will dialogue your face off, sweet lady.
    Elly Lou recently posted…Don’t Call it a ComebackMy Profile

    • September 5, 2015 at 12:54 pm

      Aw, thanks. I never bought in to the Dear Leader, but the mission spoke to me hardcore. It was a bummer, but the beginning high feeling of being helpful and the ending up with some good peeps were worth the weird in the middle.

      Can I tell you how motherfucking glad I am to see you back in the wicked web? Don’t ever leave me again. You know, unless you want to go drop a few more kids, the mike or your book.

  6. November 19, 2015 at 6:32 am

    Yeah I think I came too late to the party. But no matter it brought me some light and joy when times were tough and introduced me to a few lovelies LIKE YOU! I’m still high from meeting you in real life xxx

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