Hey there, beautiful human! Have you cleansed lately? Because you have a glow about you.
If you are a cleanse-lover for health-related reasons or to drop five quick pounds, more power to you. If you love denying yourself or enjoy the feeling being an empty vessel, that’s cool too. Whatever tingles your pringles. You might want to duck out now though, because I plan to have a dissenting opinion. I’m cool with us choosing amicable disagreement. Hopefully you are too. I’ll still love you, I promise. I’ll even bake you some cookies when you cross the finish line.
Cleanses are bullshit.
That’s it folks. The end. No explanation needed.
Ok, you know I’m going to give you some. Give me a platform or a high horse and I’ll climb right up and start hollering.
I recently underwent a three day cleanse with my husband. If you’re into cleansing, I recommend the program. It’s from Team BeachBody and it’s called Three Day Refresh. You drink a lot of liquids on this cleanse. Two different protein drinks, a fiber sweep thingie, tea and water. You eat often, but minuscule amounts. They give you choices of recipes that you make for your dinners, which were actually pretty tasty considering they were comprised entirely out of plant matter and rando ingredients I had to specially purchase for the cleanse with little to no seasoning. Of course, everything tastes better with an empty vessel.
My husband made it to the last night and I completed it because I’m stubborn(read: an idiot). My feelings about it are clear. Never again. Ever. Nope.
- I was hungry all the time, despite constantly preparing or consuming various liquids and plant-based snacks. I was light-headed by the last day and wanted to stuff my entire head into a loaf of bread and eat my way out by the end.
- It was time-consuming. There was a lot of prep time involved in every snack or meal and there was a snack or meal every few hours. I had to buy items I won’t use again. I had to spent a considerable amount of time cooking a very small amount of food. I felt that my life for those three days WAS the cleanse.
- Insignificant weight loss. Did I lose weight by drastically reducing my caloric intake? Yes, but it was surprisingly minimal(3 pounds) considering I adhered strictly. Did I keep that weight off? No. Not even for one week. Did I start back down the healthy 80/20 eating road? No. I’m still trying to find that road. Can somebody get me a map?
- I call bullshit on the idea of a clean colon. I’m almost certain(according to science) that a colon will never actually be clean. By nature it is a filthy canal to rid your body of the gunk it doesn’t need. Nothing clean is going on in there at any time. It will also never be completely emptied. Not even that time you ate a tuna fish sammich out of vending machine at the bus terminal that smelled ‘mostly’ ok. Not even when traveling through India, drinking the water and eating something unrecognizable off the back of some dude’s motorbike. Unless you stop putting stuff in, stuff’s gonna come out. And it’s not gonna shine like the top of the Chrysler building.
- The only system that is affected by a cleanse is the digestive system. Which we have already scienced. You blood will not be filtered, your arteries will not be scrubbed out, your lungs will not be polished to a high sheen. Now, the gut is where the majority of your immune system lies, but increasing the health there would be better served by eating a healthy, diverse diet of whole foods, reducing your intake of processed foods and other substances and taking a daily dose of a good probiotic. The true fixes are never quick, y’all. Let’s be real.
- Murtagh’s Law.
Have you done a cleanse? How did you feel about it?
Disclaimer: This is mos def not a paid post, although I am open and willing to that prospect as I drink their Shakeology every day and super dee duper love their Piyo workout program. Holla at your girl, Team BB.