Depression. Ish.

depression lies

So, November, right?  How did we get here?  I’m still expecting the days to be long and the sun to be shining on the reg.  Which it is, considering we’re ass deep in the season of the pumpkin and hanging out in the gray and rainy land of Portland, Orygun.

There’s a typical dip in the serotonin that happens around September, with it’s wonky rapid light changes and all. The dip didn’t show up on time, although I’ve had one eye on the door since school started back up.  Things have been trucking along, routine and schedule firmly ensconced, barring a brief and tumultuous pilgrimage home to Texas.  (Home and Texas are two words that should have oceans between them, but if home is where the heart is then I have many homes in that over-sized, highly conservative state.)

Everything has been sort of been off.  Like the light is slightly wonky, one fluorescent bulb buzzing waspishly in the corner of the room.  Like the lush, wet smell of the Portland green is sporadically punctuated by errant puffs of sulfur and sewer.  Like you lean in to smell a pretty flower and spy a dead animal carcass in the bushes.  Just off.

Not horribly, awfully, sadly off, just mildly irritating-ish off.  And not irritating in the typical way it blazes through me, like a mass of roided up ants in my pants making me do the I WILL KILL EVERYTHING IN MY PATH dance.  It’s been more like a my, that was pretty frustrating when I forgot to pick up the milk, my hair lit on fire and my kid ran into the road with scissors while eating candy comprised wholly of red dye number whichever one gives you cancer, aspartame and corn syrup without wearing a helmet while singing the NSFW version of Ceelo’s Forget You and throwing the double bird at all within his line of sight and I think I’ll just rest on this giant toadstool for a while and see where the day takes me kind of way.

OMG, SQUIRREL.

To shorten it up, diagnosis: pervasive numbness.

Knock, knock, motherfucker.

Let it be known that er’thang good in this hood.  Roof: check.  Food: check.  Health: check.  Stash of Cadbury mini eggs: check. Marriage: bueno.  Husband: awesome.  Kid: the best.  Friends: stellar.  Luck: abounding.

Let it be also known that depression is a lying mofo who ain’t got time for that.  It doesn’t care how awesome your life is or how happy you should be.  It will take you down whenever and whyever it damn well feels like it.  Probably because it’s not a being or an entity.  It’s a jumble of chemicals that has fearsome and random power that can sometimes be controlled, or at least managed, but sometimes will pick up your farmhouse and set it down in another world.  One that you can only hope will be populated by tiny creatures who sing and pass out candy.  More often it’s a world like the inside of that Hellraiser puzzle box.

I’m not in depression.  I’m depression adjacent.  Depression-ish.

I know the drill.  I have a toolbox.  Come on, I have a fucking arsenal.

But so did Robin Williams.  Who I miss in more of a visceral way than is normal for one who didn’t know him IRL.

So, I’m opening the toolbox, cleaning and assembling the arsenal, reorganizing the chemicals circling the brain as best as I can.  And I’m doing it all to the fight song of my people.  Because every one of us, no matter how much it doesn’t feel like it sometimes, has one more day in us.

Disclaimer: Wilson Phillips are not medical professionals and are not a proven treatment option for depression and/or suicide.  Any reference to said performers is satirical and nonsensical in nature and intended to induce laughter and/or strong feelings of empowered nostalgia for 1980’s power ballads.

But hey, hold on anyway, ok?  I’ll keep you company.

 

If you’re feeling sad, depressed or suicidal PLEASE talk to someone.  Friends, family, church peeps, medical professionals.  I’m here too. You can also call1-800-273-TALK (8255), the people are really kind and non-Judgy McJudgerson.  You can get information at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.  Your value to the world is unknown.  You never know what small kindness or encouragement you give someone else will lead to events that will better the world.  The world needs you for as long as it can get you.   

 

joules

I’m a 44 something Scorpio who does not at all enjoy getting caught in the rain. I’m a mom to one whirling dervish, a former child and family therapist and reformed social worker. I have fought the monsters called Depression and Addiction for a lifetime. I want to be a part of the kindness movement. I want to be honest and real, sharing my struggles and successes on my path with others navigating their own. I want to lift up other women and be uplifted by them. I want to honor the bits between right and wrong, black and white – the grays, the ish. The place where life is actually lived.

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joules

65 Posts | Member since 2012-08-17
I’m a 44 something Scorpio who does not at all enjoy getting caught in the rain. I’m a mom to one whirling dervish, a former child and family therapist and reformed social worker. I have fought the monsters called Depression and Addiction for a lifetime. I want to be a part of the kindness movement. I want to be honest and real, sharing my struggles and successes on my path with others navigating their own. I want to lift up other women and be uplifted by them. I want to honor the bits between right and wrong, black and white – the grays, the ish. The place where life is actually lived.

  10 comments for “Depression. Ish.

  1. Tia
    November 19, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    Oh girl. I am so very with you. *hugs* Thank you for sharing this, and putting these words out there so we all can know that we’re not alone. I know next week is the holiday and things have been nuts busy for you, but if you wanna set some time to come craft with me, you’re always welcome. I rock the jammies and fun socks here, so no need to even bother with dressing up. Also I have tea and cocoa and cider, which is all you really need <3
    Tia recently posted…Wordless Wednesday…With Some WordsMy Profile

    • November 21, 2014 at 12:04 pm

      Yes! Let’s do it after Turkey day. Rilo has a longer day once a week now so I could visit for a few kid-free.

      • Tia
        November 21, 2014 at 2:51 pm

        This sounds perfection! At the moment, I have the whole first week in December free. Text me what day is your long one, and I’ll be sure to keep it free 🙂
        Tia recently posted…Dance Party Friday- I Wanna Get OutsideMy Profile

  2. Crystal
    November 20, 2014 at 12:27 am

    I am sad (no ish about it) that I have not talked to my love Ju in what seems like 3.5, maybe 4, years now! I can’t do this any longer! I’m about to up and drive to portland as soon as I turn in my final grades December 19! Love and miss you terribly….I hope that tidbit is in your toolbox!

    • November 21, 2014 at 12:04 pm

      Fer realz. Hit the road, yo.

  3. Tracy b.
    November 20, 2014 at 5:41 am

    Why is it, when I read your posts…. I sometimes feel like you’re writing from inside my head…? 😉 Sending love and happy thoughts your way.

    • November 21, 2014 at 12:04 pm

      Birds of a feather. 🙂

  4. November 21, 2014 at 2:00 pm

    love you hun

    in a normal appropriate amount despite never having met you but connect over the internet kind of way

    lol

    x
    sian recently posted…Creative blog hopMy Profile

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